FAILURE TO NOT FOLLOW INSTRUCTIONS

I worked for five years as a copywriter at an ad agency with a national motorcycle account. Every year, we’d do their “Holiday card”, and every year it was drummed into us that it’s got to be non-denominational, so as not to exclude your Jews, your Buddhists, your Shintos, Muslims or Whoever.

Also, the client hates puns and “plays on words” of any kind. So don’t do it.

Every year I’d spend days coming up with ideas to convey the spirit of Christmas, Hanukah, Kwanza and Ramadan in one punchy line that also encompassed the excitement of the company’s full line of motorsports equipment, being careful all the while to not let any sort of double entendre or wordplay slip in by accident. One year they went for a card with lots of snow and a quote from the great Sioux chief Black Elk, about life being a big circle or some holy man stuff like that, but nobody’s heart was much into it.

One year we did a nice Norman Rockwell-esque card, Grandma hoisting a big turkey onto the table while jet skis cruised through the gravy bowl and ATVs and dirt bikes roosted through the mashed potatoes. Matzo ball soup? Hummus? Nowhere in sight. Is it just me, or does a big turkey seem a little Christian-oriented? What the hell, at least it's not a ham.

Last Christmas, er, Holiday Season, the parameters were hammered home yet again: Non-denominational! No puns!

And after hundreds of man hours and spent brain cells, the client signed off on:

The payoff line inside? Something about Rossi being unaware of the gift-giving CLAUS in his contract. Claus, clause! GET IT?!

I give up man. Actually I got fired. There's a lesson in there somewhere.